Like it is for many professional women, my life is an extremely busy one. Between my three kids, my job, running the house and everything in between, there is often very little me time.
This past weekend, I learned something about myself which I suspected for a long time but was never quite able to label or put my finger on. Some would say that I had an AHA moment. The weekend was a particularly crazy one in our home. It was my daughter’s 6th birthday party. And although between my 3 children I can put together parties in my sleep, for some reason this weekend was a tough one for me. Maybe it’s because I had 26 five year-olds running through my house, or maybe it is because I am getting older. Or maybe it is because my patience is growing thin. For whatever reason, by 6 pm on Sunday, I had transformed into a very short-tempered, exhausted and don’t talk to me wife and mother. Precisely the type of person I dread becoming. I hate that I was pushed to the point where I was taking my exhaustion out on my family. I realized that I was missing my me time. And for the record, for the purpose of this blog, me time is not defined as going to the gym or the spa or out with friends. I am referring to the need to be able to breathe. Rather, I am referring to the need to be able to breathe. I need, for just a few moments a day, not to be talked at, interrupted, called for or whined to. I need my personal space. And when I do not get it, even for a few moments, I get fidgety, easily annoyed and extremely uncomfortable in my skin. A typical day in my home looks like this…I walk into the house. With the sound of the front door opening, I hear the pitter patter of feet running to greet me. Along with the delicious hugs and kisses that I receive, I also start getting the complaining and the whining, and the stories about who did what to whom at school…all this information is important and I want to hear it all. But, I would first like to enter the house, close the front door, hang up my jacket, take off my shoes, and maybe go beyond the foyer area before I get bombarded. (I guiltily admit that on occasion, I take the long way home from work just so that I can have a few moments to myself, uninterrupted, in order to wind down from the day.) So is a little personal space really too much to ask for? Am I ever allowed to be off duty just for a few moments? Do I have the right to ask this of my children, or did I give up the right for personal space the day I became a mother? Research has shown that there are, in fact, detrimental effects on our minds and bodies when we do not feel we have our space, or if we feel as if our personal bubble is being invaded. They interfere with our responses, our behaviours, and the manner in which we communicate with those around us. The Detrimental Effects of No Personal Space:
So what is the moral of the story? We all need a break at some point. We all need our space. We need to figure out a way to take it. Whether it is by asking our partners to cover us for 10 minutes, taking a walk, locking ourselves in the bathroom or taking the long way home from work. Taking that space will make us better listeners and communicators in the long term. Hopefully one day, our children will thank us for it.
0 Comments
So I have been reading a lot about the new Sex Education Curriculum which is scheduled to be implemented in Ontario schools this coming September.
The first thing that crossed my mind was that it is about time. Anyone who knows me would describe me as a say it like it is kind of person. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and I speak from the heart. I don’t mince words and I speak the truth. So when it comes to teaching my children about sex and sexual issues, why would I be any different? Well, the truth is, I am not. Several months back, my 11-year-old daughter was studying health in school and she was learning about the human body and reproduction. She needed to memorize all the male and female anatomy, and know all of their functions. She also needed to understand the process of reproduction and how the sperm fertilizes the egg. “But mommy, I understand that the sperm and the egg are both needed for a baby to be created. But how does the sperm get into the egg?”…. And so began a very long and descriptive conversation about sex and ejaculation and everything in between. You name it. This whole process was quite an experience for me, as her mother. My daughter was curious and she wanted to understand. When reviewing all the systems with her, I made sure she knew all the proper terminology for the male and female parts. I did not make up words, and I did not fluff over the important processes. If certain facts grossed her out, which some did… I described them to her anyway. Better she have the facts. I knew she would eventually get over the shock of hearing it all. As a professional social worker, as well as a mom, I think it is a brilliant idea that children are going to be getting this information in school starting as young as grade 1. I am a big proponent of being honest with our children. Whether they are learning the right names of body parts, about same-sex relationships, sexting, online sexual relationships or masturbation. Whatever the case may be. The truth is, our kids are talking about it. At every age and at every developmental level. So why wouldn’t we prefer they get the facts? The new Ontario curriculum gives the facts. And it ensures that all students are on the same page. So how can we complement at home the information that our children are receiving at school about sex?
Keeping the conversation positive will also empower our children to come to us instead of shying away. The aim of the Ontario Sex Education curriculum, in my opinion, is a means to provide the groundwork for our children. Values and ethics start at home. More importantly than anything, we must be real. Educating our children about sex, does not necessarily mean we are condoning certain sexual behaviour and that they should go do it. But by providing this groundwork to our children in school, we are merely planting the seed. How this information gets nurtured depends in a large part on how the information is processed and brought to life by parents and caregivers. I heard a story the other day about a 7 year-old boy being bullied at school. A classmate regularly taunts him. His classmate invades his personal space, and has even tried to touch his genitals in a teasing kind of way. The school has been made aware of this situation, and they are trying to intervene. They are attempting to keep the boys apart as much as possible. And the schoolyard staff knows to keep an extra close eye on the both of them.
School is supposed to be a place of safety for our children. Despite these efforts, nothing, to date , has changed. So what is a parent to do? School is supposed to be a place of safety for our children. Our children spend as much time, if not more time, in school compared to home. Is it not their right to be happy and feel safe without having to constantly look over their shoulder? Although the details of these types of incidents vary, these problems are all too common in schools today. And it therefore begs the questions, “What is being done to stop this behaviour? Are schools really equipped to manage children who do not respond to typical forms of discipline?” Getting involved in school business is often a double-edged sword for parents. Getting involved in school business is often a double-edged sword for parents who on the one hand, want to teach their children to stand up for themselves, but on the other hand, do not want to see their children mistreated in any way. Too often, parents that get involved too quickly are accused of being helicopter parents. They hover over their children and do not allow their children to grow and learn and pick themselves up. At the other extreme are parents who do not get immediately involved. They are often perceived as being neglectful of their children’s needs or of being emotionally unavailable to their children. So what are parents supposed to do? Do we follow proper protocol and assume that in the school setting, the problem will be managed without us? Or do we put on our protective hats and jump right in? Truth be told, there is no right answer. Whichever way we respond, we must always keep in mind the chronological and maturational ages of our children as well as their cognitive abilities. If it was my child being bullied at school, I would try the following methods to get involved while at the same time attempt to empower my child. At every step of the way, I would ensure my child is part of the process. I would not be there to rescue her, but rather to help her acquire the strategies to be able to help herself down the road. Strategies to Help your Child without Rescuing them:
As parents, it is ultimately our job to protect our children. Our children count on us to be their defenders, the ones they can rely on and whose shoulders they can cry on. No matter what. It is imperative for us to be on this and not assume a school is going to follow through. We need to ensure that schools take these matters seriously. As such parents need to be kept updated as to their child’s particular situation and educated about school policies and processes. If our children grow up knowing their parents have their back but at the same time know we believe in their abilities, they will learn that they are able to take on just about any obstacle that life throws at them. It is amazing to me how times have changed. Growing up, I was always encouraged by my parents to do my best in school, see my friends, have fun and be safe. And beyond that, I always had a sense that with hard work and perseverance, I would be okay and that somehow, things would work out for me.
These days, everything seems more and more complicated. In my private counseling practice, I see clients who range in age from adolescents to seniors, with the majority of my clients being in their 40’s or 50’s. Recently however, this balance has shifted somewhat. More and more, clients in their late teens and early twenties are showing up at my door. Why? Their pressures are not socially based as I would expect. But rather, they are feeling the pressure to out-do themselves in school, succeed in their extra-curricular activities, win awards, and simply be the best at everything they do. And their primary motivation? Getting into a good college or university. My first gut instinct, and probably anyone’s gut instinct, would be that perhaps the source of this pressure is coming from within the family. With further probing, however, I am realizing that this pressure is a result of their own self-imposed competition with themselves and their classmates. For many young adults, this pressure can become overwhelming. Even with the support of parents and friends, the pressure and resulting stress to get accepted in to a desired university program is so much more complex than it ever was when I was applying to school. High-schoolers are feeling the need to out-do themselves, both academically as well as within their extra-curricular activities. And the toll it is taking on them is astounding. How can parents help manage academic pressures? #1 – Do not diminish their experience. Whatever we do, we cannot diminish the stressful experience they are going through. Telling them, ‘it’s not so bad’ or ‘things will work out’, is a big no-no. Teenagers will shut down at that point and be more reluctant to open up about their feelings if they feel they are not being taken seriously. So start by acknowledging how hard a time they are having, and offering to help them figure out options to cope. #2 - Help them try to identify the true source of their stress. Are they behind in their work? Are they distracted? Is the work presented to them too difficult? Have they taken on more than they can handle? By helping our children identify the true source of their stress, we are creating the opportunity to then further break down how the stress can be more realistically managed. Tasks toward achieving their goals can then be broken down into more easily manageable steps. #3 – Help them determine how much of their stress is under their control. Are they able to drop an after school activity so as to allow more time to get some work done? Or are they having trouble getting their work done because all of their spare time is being taken up caring for a sick loved one? The key to managing being overwhelmed is recognizing that something needs to change. And we can only change what we control. Even if it means admitting that we have taken on more than we can chew. #4 – Help teach our children to look ahead and plan ahead. I am a true believer that being one step ahead is a life skill that benefits us in all areas of our life. If we know that next month we are going to be out of town for a family wedding, let’s assist our children to be one step ahead of the game. Instead of helping them make up their work when they get back, why not help them be organized to get it done before they leave? #5 – Help our children learn to identify and evaluate worst-case scenarios. If an assignment is handed in a day late, what is the worst thing that can happen? If they ask for an extension on a project, what is the worst thing the teacher will say? We often anticipate outcomes are going to be a lot worse than they actually are. If we are able to anticipate an outcome, and accept them as possibilities, we regain control of our decisions. We can teach our children to stop catastrophic thinking and learn to realistically evaluate the consequences of their actions. #6 – Help them learn to recognize all their achievements to date. When we are stressed, it is very easy to downplay everything that we have accomplished. Sometimes we all need reminders that a low mark in a certain class does not mean we are poor students. It is highly advisable that we teach our children to write these achievements down and keep the list easily accessible. #7 – Teach our children better ways to cope. Are they sleeping enough at night? Are they getting enough exercise? Are they allowing themselves balance time by seeing their friends or going to the movies? Are they familiar with techniques to help them relax? There are many techniques to learn to relax our bodies and our minds that we can learn ourselves and teach our children. Although these techniques do not take the pressures away, they allow us to stop and evaluate, regroup, and make decisions with a clearer head. For most of us, stress is inevitable and is part of our every day life. Teenagers and young adults find stress and pressures particularly difficult to manage. When their parents are not the source of their stress, parents can play a very active and vital role in helping their children manage their pressures effectively. Ahhh… puberty. The inevitable time in our lives where our emotions are like roller coasters, our body is sprouting hair in all kinds of places, and the confusing time where one minute we demand independence whereas the next we are enjoying cuddles with our parents.
While contemplating a topic for this week’s blog, my two older children simultaneously yelled out, “something having to do with puberty!” I was not sure if I should be happy or concerned that they each wanted me to discuss what is clearly on their minds at this time. Well I am happy to oblige. If they are asking, it means they are thinking about it. And if they are thinking about it, then it is my obligation to ensure that they have as much accurate information as possible to survive. So here it goes. My husband and I have always made it a priority to be open and honest with our children about our bodies, the names of our body parts, and the function of our body parts. We are at the stage now where we have no choice but to face the reality that puberty has officially entered our home. But we are armed and ready. There is no turning. When asked, questions are always answered in language that the Miriam Webster dictionary would recognize. So when it comes to answering questions about puberty, the same rules apply. In the fall, my daughter had to study for a test in her Health class, which covered the reproductive system, the anatomy of the reproductive system and the hormonal impact on the reproductive system. Absolutely refusing to go to my husband on this one, she came to me and asked for help. So I rolled up my sleeves, and we got to work. We googled images. She memorized the male and female reproductive anatomy. She learned the processes of egg and sperm production, and the anatomical changes in girls and boys during puberty. I tested her on the names of the hormones involved in producing sperm and eggs. She got it. And she nailed it on her test. For most of us, surviving puberty once was enough stress to last a lifetime. And our own experiences and memories of this process as adolescents are ones which we would rather forget. But as parents, it is our duty and our obligation to help our children, and guide them through what is inevitably a very difficult and confusing time. Surviving Puberty as a Parent:
My husband and I look forward to continuing to ride this wave together. We each survived puberty once, and there is a good chance that we will get through it, in our case, three more times. The key is to continue to guide our children, encourage them to come to us with questions, and to be as open and as honest as possible. We will let you know how that goes…. Life can be unpredictable sometimes. The day could start off completely as per usual and anything can happen.
We can never really prepare ourselves for certain calls. “There has been an accident,” or “I have some bad news to share with you.” When calls start out this way, we know the news that is coming next cannot be good. Death For anyone, the concept of why people die a certain way and at a certain age is not a concept one can really understand. Who decides when it is one’s time to die? In order to derive comfort, some people feel that God makes these decisions. Others are more spiritual. Others are more rational. Regardless of where we look for comfort, the whole concept of death is abstract. One that is difficult for anyone to process. But particularly for children, whose innocence does not enable them to process these emotions. In recent months, tragedy has struck our family more than once. We have had no choice but to explain to our children that several of our loved ones are now with God. Do they really understand what this means? Probably not. Do they have in their minds an idea or vision of what that means? They probably do. Regardless of how prepared we are to accept the death of a loved one, there are no easy ways to tell our children, followed up by having to answer questions that we ourselves do not know the answers to. Tips for Explaining Death to Children:
The whole concept of death is one that many people shy away from. Children are especially vulnerable because they do not have the cognitive ability to understand the complexity of death. As parents, the best thing we can all do is be there to comfort, explain and support. Most importantly, everyday, let our children know how much we love them. As we are never quite sure when that will be the last time we are able to say this to them. I remember one evening back in 2008. I was out for dinner with some mothers of the children in my daughter’s class. A few of us were talking about wanting more children, and how the process, for many of us, had not been easy thus far. One mother then piped in and said to me, “You have two, that is really enough.” Needless to say, I was speechless. I did not know if I wanted to cry or scream or call her out on her idiocy. I excused myself from the table and went to the washroom. I was soon followed by two other women who realized the impact these comments had on me. They concurred that those words are not ever to be said to a woman who is trying to conceive.
Over the course of my fertility journey, I learned that there are many things never to say to women/couples who, at whatever stage, are still trying to build their family. Especially to those who may have already been given a whole gamut of hormones, undergone many invasive physical procedures, possible losses, miscarriages and failed adoptions. Allow me to share a few of these tips with all of you. Things NOT to say to Someone Trying to Conceive: 1) “It’ll happen when it happens. You just need to relax.” If we are at the point where we are trying to conceive in a doctor’s office, the chances are pretty high that it doesn’t just happen for us and that intervention is needed. Taking a trip to Jamaica or to Disneyworld does not change the fact that one might have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome or Endometriosis or a low sperm count. 2) “Is everything else alright in your relationship? Things like this happen for a reason.” Is there an implication here that I am not getting pregnant for reasons other than the fact that my body is failing me? Am I being punished with childlessness because my relationship with my husband is not like Carol and Mike Brady? Do some people not realize how ridiculous they sound? 3) “It will be ok. Parenthood is hard and not for everyone.” Actually, parenthood is a challenge that I have always looked forward to and welcome into my life. I can handle just about anything if given the opportunities. 4) “Sometime I wish I did not have kids. Just for a few days. I am so tired and I cannot stand the sleepless nights. You are so lucky.” Um….I was never quite sure how to respond to this one. I would welcome the sleepless nights, because along with that are the cuddles and the cooing and the baby’s first smiles. Some of my most memorable and tender moments with my children were in the middle of the night, when it was just us in the silence. 5) “Why don’t you just adopt?” Adoption was never off the table in my house. My husband and I were prepared to do whatever we needed to do to have children. However, adoption or using an egg donor or a surrogate do not just eliminate the want for a biological child. And if we had decided to go a different route, I would still need to grieve the loss of not being able to carry our own children. 6) “Do you want to throw me a baby shower?” Um… An appropriate response to this would be, “No. At times like these, I cannot throw you a baby shower. I might not even attend one for you thrown by someone else.” It is ok to say ‘no’ when you are hurting. We can only do what we can. We are not perfect, and we don’t need to put on a front to satisfy others. 7) “You need to just get over it and move on.” I have always been one to advocate that we feel what we feel when we feel it, and no one has the right to try to tell us otherwise. When we are ready to move on, we will. And in terms of getting over infertility….this is not likely. It is a deep wound. And even to this day, three children later, I still get teary and emotional when I think back to those times. Or when I see a client who is struggling the way I once did. It takes me right back, and it likely always will. Feel free to share this list with those you feel could benefit from reading it! Infertility is not a state of mind. In fact, studies have shown that the level of anxiety and depression that results from infertility is comparable to those struggling with terminal illness, cancer and AIDS. With infertility, we can remain in a state of limbo indefinitely. There will always be one more procedure to try. Or one more IVF cycle to try, thinking this could finally be the one. There are always more surrogates or different clinics which have different policies and procedures. It never ends. This is not the case with terminally ill patients or those with 4th stage cancer or AIDS. There is an end. That journey is finite. So instead of adding to the stress and agony of infertility, the best thing one can say to a struggling loved-one is this, “I love you, and I am sorry you are going through this and that you are hurting so badly. If there is anything you need, anything at all, please know that I am here for you.” Enough said. I remember when I was first pregnant. The first time around. We had been trying for about 4 years, and getting pregnant was not an easy road. I found out on Labour Day 2001. I was already about 8 weeks along. Although my husband and I had been trying for some time, I really never expected it to happen. After all, month after month we kept having a negative outcome.
I was beside myself with happiness, yet always cautiously optimistic. Right from the start, there were complications. Here we go. I knew it was too good to be true. Bleeding and cramping. Was it a clot or implantation? Was my beta level not doubling like it should? Who knew? Each visit to the doctor revealed a strong heart beat with no signs of fetal distress. That baby was hanging on….at least until one night in October , in my 15thweek, when I went with my mother to see CATS. I missed almost the whole show as I keeled over in pain in the washroom. I was having a miscarriage. By later that night I was in the Emergency Room scheduling a D and C for the next day. And that was that. Talk about the carrot being dangled in front of our nose. After all, I was past the first trimester…things like this are not supposed to happen after twelve weeks, right? I had already told EVERYBODY. My work colleagues knew. I was wearing maternity clothes and never in my life was I so happy to be gaining weight. That glee was short lived, however, and I had to come to terms with the fact that we were not going to meet this baby as scheduled in April 2002. And so we were back to the drawing board. My dreams were shattered. All around me were friends and colleagues who were announcing their news. This one got pregnant on their honeymoon. Or that one forgot to use birth control one night when she and her husband decided to finish a bottle of wine while ‘cuddling’ on their couch. Was I jealous? No. I was envious. I wanted to be those people. I wanted it to be easy for us just liked it seemed to be for everyone else. Unfortunately, this scenario is all too common. Our experience with getting pregnant was the same as for so many other couples out there. And I see it more and more in practice every day. Women come in and in addition to dealing with losses or miscarriages or the inability to conceive, they are have to explain why they are not pregnant to family members and friends who ask them incessantly why they still do not have any kids. The amount of pressure that is put on women to get pregnant, stay pregnant, and deliver full term healthy children is astounding. Similarly, for many women, including myself some 13 years ago, this pressure is insurmountable and for many the beginning of a long road of anxiety and depression. Why is it that our very personal business is suddenly everyone else’s? Managing the Expectations of Friends and Loved Ones:
The fertility journey for many is a time of high anxiety, stress, and a boatload of pressure. When things do not go as planned, it becomes easy to lose sight of what really matters. We must rely on friends and loved ones. We must confide in those we trust. Most important, we must never lose faith. When our children were little, the family schedule was easy to plan. Weekends were reserved for day trips and long get-togethers with friends and their families. We never really thought about who the children would play with. After all, when kids are little, they like to play with other little kids regardless of gender. And even if the children were not friends, per se, they would play together while their parents schmoozed and laughed and had the opportunity to catch up. Their interactions were usually limited to the type of game they were playing.
And, we could all spend hours together. We co-parented each other’s children while we too had the opportunity to pool a meal and just have a good time. Back then, weekends were uncomplicated and fun. Often spontaneous as well. In addition to choosing our children’s friends, we also chose their activities, or extra curricular programs. The never-ending baby groups, dance and music classes and swimming were all staples in my house, for all three of my children for as long as I can remember. That is, until, my children started to grow up. Over time, the interests of my children began to evolve. They began having opinions about how they wanted to spend their free time and with whom they chose to spend it. The nerve! And, how dare they contradict the opinions and convenience of their parents? Suddenly, their friendships became more deliberate, and their interests not only different from what we as parents had in mind, but from each other as well. They all want to try a little of this and a little of that. All fabulous in terms of exposing themselves to new interests and putting themselves out there, but definitely more difficult for parents to easily manage the family schedule. Times like these become exceptionally complicated for parents. In our situation, three children, three different ages and stages. And, for the most part, they all like different activities and sports and there is virtually no overlap between them. So, how do parents cope with complicated family schedules and diverse interests? How can parents spread themselves to be able to promote the emerging interests of their children without completely drowning themselves? Practical and Helpful Tips to Managing the Family Schedule:
On weekends, we take turns alternating between each child. God forbid one child feels like mommy or daddy is spending too much time with the others, etc. We try to balance. In between all the rest of it, we attempt to get the regular household chores done. Often these tasks fall to the bottom of the list and end up getting done when our children are in bed. We try to remember that our schedules are unpredictable and so are our children. But, most importantly, we try to remember that our schedules are unpredictable and so are our children. Through it all, although difficult, we try to let things roll off. We just do our best. Life gets in the way, and throws us curveballs sometimes. If we can get through the day, and everyone has survived, then we count ourselves lucky and move on. Friends come into our lives at different stages, and for so many different reasons. Some friends are our confidantes. Others are those who share our passions or our hobbies. Others are strictly there because they are fun and they make us laugh, and they always seem to change our moods no matter how lousy our day is going.
But as we get older, we start to re-evaluate our friendships. And their true quality. Unlike when we were younger, we do not have the time nor the inclination to speak daily, see our friends once or twice a week, etc. We no longer need our ‘posse’. The mere thought of this is exhausting, and completely unrealistic for most people. We become immersed in our children and partners and our careers. So when is it alright to decide that a friendship has run its course? Is it really possible for a friendship to just fade, especially when you have known this person for years and years? Friendships are supposed to enhance our lives in some way. Unlike our family, friends are chosen. So shouldn’t we choose to surround ourselves with people who make us happy? If a friendship is no longer fulfilling, it’s time to take stock and evaluate its purpose. I ask myself the following questions when deciding if a friendship is meant to go on, or if it is destined to have the plug pulled. Friends – Continue or Pull the Plug? 1) Is there anything I can do to be more thoughtful in this friendship? Is this enough? Am I the reason that this friendship is falling apart? Have I dropped the ball somewhere? If I have, do I care enough to change my behavior? 2) Do I really understand what my friend needs from me? Am I prepared or able to provide it? Or does she only contact me when she needs something from me? Life gets busy. But is my friend only contacting me when she wants to complain about her husband or her job, or to let me know everything I am doing wrong? Does she reciprocate when I need her? 3) What do I really want from this friendship? Have I really thought through what this friendship means to me? Perhaps my needs have changed over time, and time spent with this person is no longer fulfilling. I do a lot of soul searching in order to discover exactly what it is I am trying to hold on to, and figure out if this effort is worthwhile. 4) Does she comprehend what it is I need from her? Have I been really able to verbalize to my friend what it is I need from her? Is she able to listen to constructive criticism or does she become completely defensive with me? Is she sensitive to me or is she just allowing me the courtesy of talking? Although no relationship is ever perfect and the balance often goes back and forth, there does need to be equilibrium. If one friend always feels the pressure to make the relationship work, without any perceived effort from the other side, then the relationship is not going to withstand time. The truth is this: Real, true friends are there for each other. They make time for you. They do not put you on hold. You can feel how they feel about you by the efforts that they make over time. If you are not feeling it anymore, it’s time to let it go. And if you do decide to terminate a friendship, make sure you do it in the most respectable way. ‘Breaking up’ by email, voicemail or avoidance is not the way to handle these types of situations. Make sure your conscience is clear by allowing your friend the courtesy of a conversation to talk about it and answer any questions that she may have. And then you move on. It’s as simple as that. |
Archives
October 2016
About SariWelcome to my Blog page! Categories |