We have all been in situations that make us extremely uncomfortable. A new job, an unfamiliar city, or an environment where we do not know anybody. The question is, how do we overcome fear?
Recently, I was away at a conference where I was totally out of my element. I was nowhere near my comfort zone. I knew almost no one, at least not well enough to rely on for company. At several points during my trip, I contemplated retreating to my hotel room during breaks or mealtime, or at other times when there was no set program. After all, we always have the choice to avoid. This is actually the most common response. It is a lot easier to leave a situation or circumstance which makes us feel vulnerable or uncomfortable rather than immerse ourselves in it, face it and grow. For some people, however, the thought of immersing themselves could be almost too much to bear, accompanied by feelings of overwhelming anxiety and fear. But I fought those thoughts of running away. Instead of avoiding to deal with my own discomforts, I chose to throw myself right into them. After all, I went to the conference to learn and grow professionally, and ultimately meet others in the field who are all there for the same reasons. If I avoided them, what would be the point of this adventure? And how disappointed I would have been with myself for letting those fears get the better of me. As I try to do in my personal life, I always encourage my clients to take risks. Facing a fear or managing an anxiety provoking situation, is not only an opportunity for personality growth and maturation, but also ultimately helps us with our sense of confidence and security. So what techniques can we use to face and overcome fears instead of choosing to make a run for the hills?
It is not easy putting ourselves out there. But I have learned, both from personal experience and within my own practice, that in the long term, the rewards of taking the risks far outweigh the disadvantages. So stop running, and just deal with it.
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To my dearest sweet daughter,
So I write this letter to you on your last night of summer holiday, as you settle down to get ready for bed. Tomorrow is a big day for you. In fact, this whole year is going to be huge. You have graduated from primary school and you are moving on to middle school. An enormous accomplishment within itself. But you have already left your mark sweetheart. You have amazing friends. You are a remarkable person. You are sweet and loving and caring and you are always thinking of everyone else’s needs, even before your own. You are so mature beyond your years. I will never forget when at 2 years old, you were acting as hostess and offering to clear plates at our parties. When your sister was born, you did not hesitate to rock her to sleep in her car seat. You are a natural. It seems like you were born maternal and kind. And here you are, ready to embark on an adventure that you have been looking forward to for some time. You have earned it. Tomorrow for the first time un-chaperoned, you will be taking the bus on your own. You have a key to the house and you are responsible enough to let yourself in and stay home by yourself. I trust that you will make good decisions for yourself, but more so, I know that if you need help in any way, you are not too proud to ask for it. Over the course of your whole life, Daddy and I have taught you about street safety, stranger danger, and being aware of your surroundings at all times. And although we know you are nervous, we also know you are extremely excited to have these grown up responsibilities. Yes, you have your share of the sillies and the crazies, but when the need arises, you always step up to the plate. You know how to comfort your sisters when they are sad or hurt. Most often without being asked to do so, you initiate helping them. You bring them band aids or icepacks and are always available for a hug. You let them tag along when you have friends over because you know how much it means to them, even if you would rather be left alone. If anyone is ready for this adventure, it is you. We have faith in you sweetheart. I promise that Daddy and I will be ready too, but it might take us a little bit longer to get there. When you are a mother, I am sure you will understand. You are growing up right before our eyes into a beautiful, responsible and compassionate young woman. And Daddy and I could not be more proud. So enjoy this time, honey. Take it all in. Have fun, yet keep a clear head. Trust your instincts, but also find ways to relax. No matter what, always know that Mommy and Daddy are here for you. To dry your tears, boost you up, cheer you on, help you out, and give you encouragement. Never, ever forget that. And always know, you can tell us anything. We will always be here for you, no matter what. I love you sweetheart. Love mommy xoxo In attempting to decide on a topic to write about this week, my mind kept going back to the same old thoughts. Depression. Robin Williams. Desperation. Sadness. Unnecessary loss. Tragedy.
There has been so much in the news and on social media about the tragic death of Robin Williams. From finding his body, to the revealing details of the condition of his body, to the question of a suicide note and a possible recording of his last thoughts. All of these private details being splattered all over the media with the headlines reading sudden and unexpected. It is no secret that Robin Williams has struggled over the years with depression and anxiety, as well as with drug and alcohol addiction. As recently as July it was reported that he had checked himself back into rehab, for reasons I am not too clear about this time. So how does one wrap their head around depression and suicide? And how is it that his death was such a surprise to the public? In one word, DENIAL. Nobody wants to believe that anyone, especially someone like Robin Williams, who spent his entire career trying to make others laugh and be happy, could himself be so unhappy and living with such sadness. Depression is a serious illness, which often, too often, gets dismissed by those who do not fully understand it or its implications. It will pass, or it is a phase, are often words we hear to dismiss its seriousness. To some extent, the effects of depression waver, as symptoms do come and go, and at certain times, those who suffer are better able to manage. However, this does not, by any means, indicate that the depression has miraculously vanished. It is at these times that the outward struggle is seemingly less apparent to loved ones. But this slope is a slippery one. Because we cannot see something, does not mean it does not exist. And unless those suffering are forthcoming with their struggle (most are not), many people suffer in silence. So all of these facts just make the tragedy of Robin Williams’ suicide that much more tragic. Not because he was so talented and pure genius in every project he took on. But because he was not silent. He shared with the public his struggle over the years. He admitted to turning to drugs and alcohol to help him numb his pain. He had the support of both family and the public, and he certainly had the financial means to get help for himself. And still, even with all of this, Robin must have felt so completely helpless and hopeless in his last moments. To follow through with suicide is a true act of desperation. No one, no matter how famous or no matter how ordinary, should have to live with this kind of pain. Depression affects those afflicted on every level. It is not in your head. It is real. And there is help out there. There are people who understand. There are ways to learn strategies to help loved ones and ourselves. The key is to not suffer alone. And the only way to do this is to come forward. Speak out. Shout out. We must try the best we can to help ourselves. We must educate ourselves about the symptoms. And we must learn to recognize the symptoms in our friends and loved ones. And most important of all, we cannot be ashamed. Speaking about this and coming forward is one of the truest acts of bravery there is. And there is no shame in wanting to take control of our life instead of having depression grab hold of it for us. I read an opinion piece in the New York Times several months back entitled Raising the Moral Child written by Adam Grant. I found it fascinating and quite surprising to learn that many countries around the world place more emphasis on raising children with morals and ethics and place less emphasis on academic and professional achievement.
Though parents in many societies revel in their children’s professional or academic success and sometimes live vicariously through their accomplishments, a vast amount of research in the area still indicates that parents are much more concerned about their children learning to be kind, caring and compassionate members of society. So how can we strike a balance between the two? Measuring Success: Encouraging Good Morals and Professional Achievement Measure effort, not ability. All children are not the same. They do not learn the same, they do not comprehend the same, and they do not act the same. In every environment, both academic as well as personal, parents need to encourage their children to be their best selves without comparing them to others including siblings, peers, classmates, etc. Use praise instead of rewards. Parents who are in the habit of using praise instead of rewards will raise more confident, self-assured children. Using rewards too frequently runs the risk that children will learn to adapt their behavior in order to ‘earn’ a reward at the end. Rather than encouraging the behavior for the good feelings it might elicit, children might learn to expect some sort of ‘prize’ at the end. In an academic setting, children who pay attention and work hard in the classroom will find the natural rewards (feeling good, feeling proud) much more fulfilling and longer lasting than a trip to the toy store (which will ultimately lose its appeal within a day or two, anyway). Compliment the behaviour, not the child. Parents need to learn to compliment the behavior, not the child, so the child will learn to repeat the behaviour. And the same rings true for the opposite. When a child misbehaves, this is not a reflection on the whole child, but rather a poor choice in actions. When children misbehave, this does not make them bad. Perhaps their behaviour was misguided and needs to be remedied. By labeling the child instead of the behaviour, parents run the risk that their children will internalize what is said to them. For instance, if parents are disappointed in their children’s behaviour, children might misunderstand it and begin to feel that they are a disappointment to their parents. This is not to say that parents shouldn’t express disappointment in their children’s behaviour and explain why the behaviour was wrong and how it may have an effect on other people. But parents must keep in mind how they express this to their children, the wording they use, etc. Parents can even take it a step further my role-playing with their children and having them speculate how they could behave differently the next time a similar situation arises. So is it possible to strike a balance between professional accomplishments and moral savvy? I sure hope so. Every day my husband and I work tirelessly to encourage and raise our children to grow up to be good, polite, members of society. As much as we value a good education, both in and out of the classroom, we also spend a lot of time teaching them proper social skills, using their manners, appreciating the differences between people, etc. But like most parents, we too struggle to find the perfect balance. Like any other family, we have good days, and then there are other days where our children lack the confidence to make good choices on their own. We try to guide them as best we can and encourage them to trust their instincts. We value the act of proper socialization as much as we do a good education. We want them to learn to be comfortable with who they are, and what qualities they have to offer others. We encourage them to be themselves, and not to do anything which makes them uncomfortable, merely because they were asked to do so. After all, what good is receiving the best education in the world if you never learn how to think of others, speak politely to people, or be sensitive to others’ feelings? A few months back, a friend asked me to write a blog about stealing, particularly when we catch our children’s friends stealing from us. Without getting many details, I got the impression that she was torn as to whether to address the issue directly, tell the parents, or turn a blind eye and hope it does not happen again. To make matters more complicated, my friend also happens to be friends with the child’s parents.
So what does one do? I get this question a lot in my practice. Parents wondering how appropriate it is to discipline someone else’s child while in their care, within the confines of the law, of course. What are the appropriate boundaries? Do boundaries really matter when it comes to witnessing immoral behaviour? Similar situations happen all the time within our homes and are all around us. We see children in the neighborhood misbehaving, screaming too loud, blaring their music, throwing balls toward other people’s property, or damaging other people’s property. Sometimes by accident, sometimes not. None of this behaviour is technically illegal, but annoying and inconsiderate, nonetheless. Do we tell the parents, or bite our tongues? How important is it to us to keep the peace with our neighbors and therefore say nothing at all? What are our moral obligations as neighbours, friends, parents, and members of society? This subject becomes far more complicated when these issues happen within our own home. Is it appropriate to discipline our children’s friends, or do parents feel obligated to report the behaviour to the child’s parents and have them deal with it? Or do we do nothing at all? There are many schools of thought. Here are my views: 1) We can choose to ignore the situation. After all, it is not our child, therefore not our problem.Many parents pick their battles, and voluntarily opt out of disciplining other people’s children. They turn the other cheek, so to speak. Some will say they do it because it is not their business. Others don’t want to get involved. And others feel that they have their own children’s behaviour to worry about and that they will leave the disciplining of other children to their own parents. 2) We can choose to not say anything to the children themselves, but then give a full report to parents at the end of the playdate. Disclosing to parents is always an option, but often makes for an awkward situation. How do we disclose nicely that their child was being rude or acting out? There is no easy way to have such a conversation. However, we can frame the report by keeping the information general while at the same time delivering the information. For instance, a conversation can go as follows, “This was not an easy playdate. On more than one occasion, I needed to ask the children to stop jumping on the furniture. I also discussed the dangers involved in continuing to do so. It was very frustrating.” Additionally, a conversation can sound as follows, “There were times when the children were getting overly silly, which was very sweet and all, but at times they needed reminders to use their manners. There was more than one occasion where I felt they were being disrespectful.” Framing the information in these ways takes the onus off any one particular child, while at the same time conveys to parents that there were behavioral issues which needed to be addressed. After all, how can we address an issue if we are kept oblivious to it? 3) We can take the view that when another person’s child is placed in our care, even if for only a few hours, we are entrusted to take care of them. Take care of them in its entirety. Not merely by feeding them and giving them shelter. Many believe that this applies to disciplining them as well. This is often the stance that my husband and I take. When other children are in our home, we treat them as our own. They get love and respect and consideration, and hugs at night if they need it. But they also get appropriate discipline if the need arises. So why do we feel so strongly about this? For the most part, we feel that proper discipline is essential to good parenting. But more so, we would hate for our children to get mixed messages: That when they do something wrong, they are disciplined. But, if others in our home do something wrong, there are no consequences. Children need consistency and they thrive when they know what is expected of them. These are the rules, and they apply right across the board. No exceptions. It is hard to believe that the school year is already over. In so many ways it went by very quickly, but during those harsh winter months, it felt like these warm temperatures would never arrive. For many of us, this time of year comes with many mixed emotions. Our children have completed yet another year of school and another year of growth, achievements and experiences. It is a period of transition. A period, which for many, brings about a lot of anxiety and uncertainty as to what is coming next. For many of us, this is a busy time where it seems there is too much to do, and never enough time in the day. All good things, mind you. End of the year recitals, tournaments, graduation ceremonies. Organizing for the summer, and the dreaded task of getting our children ready for overnight camp. Now I say dreaded with quite a bit of sarcasm, actually. I do not hate the process. Quite the opposite. What I do not like is the feeling of disorganization and complete chaos in my home. The process is in fact one which I enjoy, as I share it with my children. All the shopping, labeling, choosing what stuff is going to camp this year. It is an exciting time, for everyone, despite the mayhem. But it seems as if not all parents enjoy the process of preparing for overnight camp quite the way I do. I recently came across an advertisement for a company that for a small fee will come into your home and pack your children for overnight camp. For some reason, as tedious as we all know the process can be, it really bothered me that one would choose to have someone else do this type of work for them. Many people have gardeners or housekeepers or hire someone to shovel their snow, to do tasks that they themselves do not wish to do. So I asked myself…how is this any different? Upon further pondering, I realized why I was so miffed. Getting ready for overnight camp with my children is an extremely important time for everyone in my home. It provides numerous opportunities for quality time, intimate discussions, and for many issues to be addressed. Why is it important to pack for overnight camp together?
So I suppose given adequate resources, we can hire somebody to do just about anything for us. But I choose to use these resources for the non-emotional, more superficial tasks in my life, which need doing. As a working mom, I crave the opportunities to have these discussions with my children at moments which are real and not contrived. Armed and ready, I send them off. Then I cry a little bit. And then I pray that the only call I ever receive from camp is because my kids are asking to stay longer. In early April 2014, the Health Minister of Ontario announced that after 5 years of IVF funding proposals and recommendations, the Ontario government has finally agreed to pay for one round of an IVF cycle, per couple, including only one embryo transfer, beginning as early as 2015.
So how is it that under the Liberal government, Ontario is only prepared to cover the cost of one IVF cycle, excluding the costs of medications? How is it that this province is so behind in helping women and men achieve their goals of having a family? Government funding for expenses related to IVF treatment has been trending for some time. The provinces of Quebec and Manitoba already partially pay for these costs. More specifically, the Quebec government will pay for all expenses for three to six rounds of IVF, while Manitoba will allow IVF patients a tax credit toward their expenses. The rationale behind any government funding is that by helping cover these costs, the expectation is that the frequency of multiple births will decline in their province. If the government pays for the costs of egg retrievals and embryo transfers, the pressure is taken off couples to implant more than one embryo at a time, thereby eliminating or minimizing the amount of multiple births per year. Couples would not feel the need to get more bang for their buck, so to speak, each time they do an IVF cycle. This would ultimately cut down health care costs such as the length of stay in hospital for both mother and babies and/or long-term therapies for babies born prematurely with issues (cognitive lags, physical delays, etc.). There are mixed feelings by many as to whether or not treatment for infertility should be paid for at all by the government. At present, the Ontario government pays for IVF only for women who have fully blocked fallopian tubes. To many, myself included, the picking and choosing of what qualifies as a legitimate reason for covering the cost of IVF or fertility treatment, is a Pandora’s Box that should be kept closed. So women with blocked fallopian tubes get covered. How about women with endometriosis? Nope. Or polycystic ovarian syndrome? Nope. Why does one barriersupersede all the others? The bottom line is this. There are many reasons, medical reasons, why women are not getting pregnant. Reasons that these women cannot control. So why is it that coverage is given to some women and not to others? Is this not a form of discrimination? Why does the government have a right to ‘choose’ which involuntary medical diagnoses warrant coverage? Just to reiterate…infertility is not a CHOICE. But yet it has never been treated like a disease or a disorder either. If it were, the costs to treat it would be absorbed by the government, no questions asked, as are the costs to treat cancer or patients with heart disease. The men and women who experience infertility do so because somewhere along the line, they have begun to explore the reasons why pregnancy is not happening for them, likely after having tried unsuccessfully for some time to get pregnant. Again, unlike elective plastic surgery or the choice to have a vasectomy or get one’s tubes tied, having to go the route of IVF is never, ever, one’s choice. It is a situation where thousands of men and women find themselves when they would do anything and try everything necessary to have a family. The hope is that this new funding formula will at least partially bridge the gap. All women will be given equal opportunity to try an IVF cycle, regardless of their diagnosis. But as we have the prospect of IVF funding teasing us, as the possibility of its implementation gets dangled in front of our nose, it can just as easily, and just as quickly, be taken away. It remains to be seen if the province of Ontario will even proceed. Given the uncertainty of this week’s election, will IVF funding ever really get off the ground? So I am sure we have all been there at some point in our lives. We have caught a friend and/ or a family member telling us half-truths or leaving out details of a story that might hurt us. We don’t just suspect we have been lied to, but rather we know it as a fact. We all would like to believe that behind the lying, the intentions were good ones.
But what happens in a situation when you catch someone you have known a long time deliberately lying to you? Not by omitting details, and not to spare your feelings…but for reasons you do not understand. You know this person well. Their ins and outs. You go way back with them. Do you confront? Or do you let it go? I don’t usually get personal in my blogs but this issue has been on my mind for the last month or so. As I did catch a friend lying to me, I thought I would reach out to others to help me figure out how best to handle it. I put the question out on Facebook: Do you confront the person or ignore and move on? What I got was a myriad of responses. I was urged to consider all of the following: What was the possible motivation for the behavior? Unsure. And I will not waste my time speculating. Was it to spare my feelings? Not likely. Was it a lie by omission? No. Was it a lie to cover anything up? Possibly. Again, I am not going to pretend I was in this person’s head. The truth is, being lied to is a huge pet peeve of mine. Some of you might be more tolerant or look for motivations. But for better or for worse, I wear my heart on my sleeve. I say what is on my mind. And I take very seriously that which is said to me. And so when I hear that I have been lied to, I do not take it well. If someone has something to say, then please, just say it. Passive aggression is not becoming. I see it as deceptive, no matter what the motivation. Especially coming from someone I have known for more than half my life. According to research (and the amount of research in this area is astounding!), the following are the most common reasons people lie. They are not listed in any particular order: REASONS PEOPLE LIE:
For all you mothers out there, I am sure you would agree that there is nothing in this world more miraculous than the act of becoming a mother for the first time; whether it is by giving birth or holding your adopted child in your arms. It is one aspect of being a woman, which until it has been experienced first hand, is truly difficult to fully explain the fabulousness of the entire experience.
Mother’s Day is the opportunity to value your maternal strengths and learn to appreciate the intensity of a mother’s love. Once you are a mother yourself, being able to receive love from your own child while at the same time express it to your own mother is a balancing act which can difficult to do. For many out there, Mother’s Day brings a flush of emotions, which are not all positive. For many out there, Mother’s Day brings a flush of emotions, which are not all positive. And, for many it is a source of outright stress. What if your mother has passed away? What if you never knew her to begin with? What if your mother did not live up to what society views as a good mother? What if your mother never really supported or understood you? What if your mother was never able to fully give herself to her children or be completely reliable? What if your relationship with her is estranged or you never received unconditional love from her? In our society, motherhood is still idealized. And most mothers (if not all) are incapable of remaining on that pedestal which society has placed them on. So how does one get through Mother’s Day in such a scenario? Tips to Help Cope if Mother’s Day is Difficult:
So as Mother’s Day approaches over the next few weeks, decide ahead of time how you wish to spend the day. Plan ahead. And rely on your inner strengths as a woman and know that you really can get through anything. And to all those who are celebrating, may this day bring you joy and pleasure from both your children and families. We often get bogged down in our busy schedules and one-on-one time with each of our children is unheard of. It’s sometimes just logistically impossible in a house where there are young children, two parents working, numerous extra curricular activities, etc.
But, over the last several weeks, I have had the opportunity to spend some one-on-one time with each of my three children. I did not plan ahead of time, but circumstances were such that the opportunities presented themselves. And, was I ever happy that they did. It had been awhile since I had been able to have this individualized time. And, it was fabulous. And, to be honest, I forgot how much I enjoy each of my children with their individual personalities, quirks and completely different senses of humor. So aside from the fun aspect, what are the real benefits of one-on-one time with our children? Why should we go out of our way and make the time? BENEFITS OF ONE-ON-ONE TIME:
For instance, if we discover that one child really likes to cook, or wants to learn to cook, then giving him/ her responsibilities around meal time preparation and clean up is a skill which can be nurtured far beyond our ‘day out’ together. Time alone sends our kids the message that they are important. What we do with our kids is not as important as the quality of the time we spend with them. We must make sure it is relaxing and enjoyable. We can find a common interest with our children, which does not have to break the bank. The time alone with us will help our children learn to be confident with their place in the family. And, it most certainly will create lasting positive memories for all of us. |
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October 2016
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