Tips for Explaining Death to Children

Life  can be unpredictable sometimes. The day could start off completely as per usual and anything can happen.

We can never really prepare ourselves for certain calls. “There has been an accident,” or “I have some bad news to share with you.” When calls start out this way, we know the news that is coming next cannot be good.

Death

For anyone, the concept of why people die a certain way and at a certain age is not a concept one can really understand. Who decides when it is one’s time to die? In order to derive comfort, some people feel that God makes these decisions. Others are more spiritual. Others are more rational.

Regardless of where we look for comfort, the whole concept of death is abstract. One that is difficult for anyone to process. But particularly for children, whose innocence does not enable them to process these emotions.

In recent months, tragedy has struck our family more than once. We have had no choice but to explain to our children that several of our loved ones are now with God.

Do they really understand what this means? Probably not.

Do they have in their minds an idea or vision of what that means? They probably do.
Regardless of how prepared we are to accept the death of a loved one, there are no easy ways to tell our children, followed up by having to answer questions that we ourselves do not know the answers to.

Tips for Explaining Death to Children:

1. Be honest and direct. Children do not need to know all the gory details, but they are entitled to know the truth, using wording that they can understand. Children look to parents to be honest and to feel secure. If parents feel the need to make up details as they go, they need to be prepared to remember what they said. This is too confusing for many people and not necessarily worth the risk if our children catch us in a lie. It is ok to tell children that we do not have all the answers. Honesty is always better than making up the details.
2. Be as natural as possible, and do not be too dramatic. The bigger deal we make of things, good or bad, the more reactive children will be. They can read our cues. If we act natural and calm, our children won’t panic.
3. Let children ask questions. We must follow their lead. There is no need to provide extra details if they are satisfied with what we have already said. And realize that questions might be sporadic and not necessarily all in one sitting. We must be prepared that the questions may be ongoing until our children are satisfied that they have enough information.
4. Be prepared to grieve along with them. Sometimes, when death is unexpected or when it occurs without time to prepare, parents do not always say the right things at the right time. It is ok to be sad with our children, and to express it. Children need to see their parents as people who feel as well, and parents need to model for their children that it is alright to express themselves. It is alright to cry and be confused and be sad. And it is certainly alright to be angry when somebody that we love is suddenly taken from us.
5. The suddenness of death can leave children confused and scared and insecure.And although we can never anticipate when someone is going to die, children need our reassurance. We must remind them that we are here for them right now, and that that they can count on us right now. Some children might even go as so far as to ask who will take care of them if something like this happened to their own parents. As parents, it is our responsibility to answer our children’s questions as best we can, and be as prepared as we can.

The whole concept of death is one that many people shy away from. Children are especially vulnerable because they  do not have the cognitive ability to understand the complexity of death. As parents, the best thing we can all do is be there to comfort, explain and support. Most importantly, everyday, let our children know how much we love them. As we are never quite sure when that will be the last time we are able to say this to them.

Image: “Withered Rose” by phanlop88 courtesy of freedigitalphotos.net.