It has become more difficult to engage our children in meaningful conversation when they are in the presence of their favorite TV show, on the DS, or playing on the computer. All three of my children are huge technology fans. Without my assistance, my 4 year-old can scroll successfully on my iPhone and find the game she wants to play or watch a previously recorded video.

For as long as I can remember, it has been a challenge negotiating screen time with my children. How much is too much? How much is not enough? Aren’t some video games educational? Don’t they need to learn how to use computer programs and learn to type for school assignments and for life in general?

After all, as opposed to when we were children, all school assignments are expected to be done using the computer, email and researching on the Internet.

How is all this screen time affecting our children’s ability to learn appropriate social skills like actively listening when others are talking, making eye contact, and merely being in the right headspace to have meaningful conversations?

Although various forms of technology provide educational opportunities for our children, we must offer them a good balance. We need to ensure that we provide significant boundaries so that they are not staring at screens all day, but instead are interacting with their friends, siblings and others around them.

In our home, we have successfully managed several strategies to implement screen time where we are all satisfied….most of the time. None of these strategies are perfect and each pose some challenges on occasion.

Screen Time Strategies:

1. Screen time is used as a reward for chores. After all chores are done. Homework, bath/ shower, putting away laundry, brushed teeth, etc. Use your child’s desired screen time as leverage to ensure all responsibilities are completed before screen time. Don’t be afraid to use screen time as a motivator.
2. Screen time can be used as a reward for achievements. For instance, in our home, when my 8 year-old earned her purple belt in karate, she asked if she could watch a show. She was rewarded with one show for a job well done. After that one show, however, she knew she had to complete her other responsibilities in order to earn any more screen time.
3. Use a timer to monitor how long children are looking at screens. When it comes to playing video games, X Box or scrolling on the computer, setting a timer on the oven or on an alarm clock is very effective. When the timer beeps, their time is up. When it comes to TV, we generally allow one show, which runs between 25-35 minutes. After the show is over, the TV is turned off.
4. TV as a privilege, not an entitlement. In our home, we find it necessary to restrict screen time if we find it is interfering with our children’s socializing or engaging in conversation. When texting starts to detract one’s attention away from talking, we know we need to pull the reigns in a little bit.
   
5. Screen Time and General Courtesy. For instance, there is nothing more irritating when I am out with a friend and she gets a text. I could be mid-sentence and she turns her attention to her phone and begins having a texting conversation – without excusing herself or indicating that this is urgent. The truth is, it probably is not urgent. It is just a really bad social skill that I do not wish my children to acquire. Short of an emergency, there is no reason to engage with technology while we are physically engaged with other people. By teaching my children that screen time is a privilege, and not a right, I hope they too will learn to be courteous, respectful and make eye contact in the presence of others. Returning the email or text can wait.

There is no doubt that this balance is hard to achieve and maintain. Like everything else, as parents all we can do is our best and hope that our children learn by our example and through the boundaries that we set.

Being a parent is one of the most rewarding yet challenging jobs ever. Despite our paid job status, level of stress at the office, nothing can really come close to the amount of joy and worry which accompanies being a parent.
There are many different types of parenting. Some more authoritative styles allow very little room for compromise or promotion of independent decision-making in our children. At the other end of the spectrum, the more permissive parent often sets very few limits for their child. Parenting styles from both ends of the spectrum do not teach our children to regulate their own emotions and have shown to interfere with their ability to form healthy relationships as adults.
Somewhere in the middle of the continuum is a more fair and flexible style of parenting, where we are able to hear our children and provide them with choices, but simultaneously set the right limits and teach them self-control. Let’s be honest, despite our best efforts, do any of us ever attain this perfect balance of empathy and discipline? Probably not.
In times of frustration, when we are feeling completely overwhelmed by our responsibilities and everyone’s expectations, we all make plenty of parenting errors. We want our children to grow up feeling good about themselves and the decisions that they make. Yet how many times do we as parents regret what we say as soon as we say it? We need to be careful of the messages we send our children.
Common Parenting Errors and How to Remedy Them:

1. Keep instructions limited and concise – Parents must limit the amount of talking they do if their intention is to teach or provide consequences. Let’s face it, parents talk a lot, often too much. Children can only focus for so long and this includes listening to their parents. Do not be surprised if after speaking for 5 minutes straight, your children have no idea what was said in the last 3. This does not mean they are ignoring you. It just means they do not have the capacity to focus for such an extended period of time. We must keep instructions and directions kids simple and concise so there is no room for misunderstanding.
   
2. Follow through on consequences – Parents provide way too many warnings. Our children are smart. They know how far they can push us. They know that when we say it is our last warning, that we really mean we will give three more. In an effort to keep control of a situation, we continually nag our children in the hopes that they will have empathy and see a situation the way we do. As parents, as difficult as it may be, we need to be prepared to put our money where our mouth is and follow through on consequences. Otherwise, how can we ever expect our children to take us seriously?
   
3. Stop using shame and guilt – We must stop using shame and guilt to get compliance from our children. Children learn empathy as they grow up, as they witness the empathy they receive from their parents and from others around them. So is it fair to expect our children to see things from our perspective? Are they really not cooperating, or are they just not providing the level of ‘compliance’ that we want from them? Children internalize negative labels that parents use in moments of frustration. We must remember to focus on the behavior, which might be unacceptable, and not erroneously label the child instead.
   
4. Actively listen – Do we really listen to our children? We expect our kids to be respectful of others and to learn proper means of communicating. The best way to teach this is by modeling it ourselves. Parents need to be attentive to their children, and not interrupt them when they are talking, no matter how preoccupied we might be. Listening effectively to our children includes maintaining eye contact, and ‘actively listening’ to them, which is a skill where we are able to convey our understanding by paraphrasing what has just been said and by being able to reflect their feelings back to them. If our children learn that what they have to say is important to us, they too will learn to respect what we have to say to them in return.
   

All this being said, communicating effectively with our children takes time and can be emotionally draining. But certainly well worth the effort. Children whose parents are respectful, engaged and provide consistent disciplinary tactics themselves learn to regulate their own emotions, feel better about themselves and grow up to have loving relationships as adults.

As parents, as soon as we discover that we are expecting, our only wish is that our baby is born healthy and without any complications. My husband and I used to hope for a ’full-term, happy, healthy baby’ at every possible opportunity. That was all that mattered.
But it takes more than eating healthy and prayer to raise confident and emotionally secure children. For all of us, self-esteem comes from feeling like we have a sense of belonging, that we are capable and competent, and that knowing our contributions are worthwhile and valued by others.
From an extremely early age, it is our responsibility to help our children build this confidence.
As caregivers, when our children are little, we are in charge of their every need. It is our responsibility, but also our pleasure to house, feed, clothe and love them.
As our children get older, we hope they are confident enough to set goals for themselves and strive to go after their dreams. We also pray that they find completion within themselves without having to be dependent long-term on others to meet their needs.

So how can parents help their children build self esteem?
Give unconditional love by also teaching limits – From the moment our children are born, they need unconditional love. Regardless of their strengths, weaknesses or struggles, children need to know that their primary caregivers have ‘their back’, no matter what. But children also thrive when they have structure. Even though they will resist limit setting at every opportunity, clear and consistent limits help establish security. They know what to expect, what behavior is acceptable, and what they can and cannot get away with.
When our children make mistakes or act out, let them know that it is not them but rather their behavior that is not acceptable.

Support healthy risks by allowing children to make mistakes - Although extremely difficult for parents to do, parents must allow their children to stumble and make mistakes. We all learn through our experiences. Although there is always the possibility of failure, children will learn that without taking risks, there is little opportunity to succeed.
Similarly, children need to see their parents acknowledging when they too make mistakes. Use these mistakes as a learning experience, and discuss with your children how to avoid them in the future. It is okay for children to see their parents as imperfect, and will enable them to accept their own shortcomings.
Do not rescue your children. Self-esteem can be learned by resisting our need to protect our children and allowing them to tackle new things on their own.

Accentuate the positive and ongoing encouragement – Everyone, even adults, respond well to encouragement. Make sure your children hear you speaking positively about them. Children rely on their parents’ approval, even if they are too proud to admit it.
Even small achievements should be recognized. Children thrive on being told they did a good job on something, even if the task was a menial one. Try to be as specific as possible. So after your 5 year-old ‘chops’  the salad for dinner with her plastic knife, rather than merely saying, ‘good job,’ be specific and recognize how delicious the salad tasted and how pretty it looked all cut up in the bowl.
This type of encouragement will engage your children and increase their sense of accomplishment. Children need to be signaled that their parents believe in them even during times of struggle – not only during times of achievement. Providing encouragement acknowledges the effort even if the outcome was not a successful one.

Actively listen and pay attention – The art of ‘active listening’ is a skill that takes a long time to perfect, but is excellent in helping us really communicate with our loved ones. If children are trying to communicate with you, pay attention. Stop what you sure doing, eliminate all distractions, and make eye contact with them. Everyone’s thoughts and feelings matter. Children need to know that they are being taken seriously. By actively listening, parents are able to paraphrase what their children communicate without judgment. Our goal is to help our children have confidence in expressing themselves without the fear that they will somehow be judged or scrutinized.

Avoid comparisons – It is very common in times of frustration for parents to openly make comparisons between their children. Although seemingly innocent, this action can be extremely damaging. Children need to know that they are appreciated for their uniqueness, independent of the strengths and weaknesses of their siblings.
By knowing others value them for who they are, they can learn to value themselves as well.

It seems that as parents, our job of providing empathy and support to our children is a life long one. As our children grow up and resist the urge to receive compliments, or tell us we are embarrassing them by providing too much praise, deep down we know our motive is to build their confidence. And they know it too. So let them rant and rave about it. We know we will never be accused of being too nice or too supportive or too good for their self-esteem.

Image: selfesteemday.com