In general, moving homes can be a very stressful experience, especially to a new location. And while adults have a hard time with the stress of it all, this time of transition can be particularly difficult for children, of all ages. Children are often left not understanding the need to move or leave their friends and their sense of familiarity behind.
Without the proper guidance, children can feel lost and displaced from all the comforts they have ever known. Several weeks back, I was approached by the Toronto Brokerage Firm, TheRedPin, and asked for my advice on how to make moving a smooth and successful experience for children. While there are definite differences in how to help children across the ages, there is one tip which applies across the board – children need to feel empowered and in control. And if we allow children to be part of the moving process instead of merely immersing them in it without any input from them, the outcome is sure to be that much more successful. 5 Tips to Help Make Moving Easier For Children: 1. Visit the Neighborhood. Parents should always provide as much of a ‘visual’ as they can for children of any age. They can ‘map’ out the neighbourhood. They could explain where the recreation centres are, the parks, their favourite ice cream store. Whatever they do, they could make sure they appeal to the cognitive levels of their children so as to insure that their emotional needs are being met. 2. Visit the Home. Whenever possible, if the new home is nearby or vacant, parents and their children could make frequent trips to the new home. Children could even be encouraged to bring over their ‘stuff’; toys and games for younger children, posters and paraphernalia for older children. This process will help acclimate children to their new home by making it ‘theirs’ a little bit at a time. 3. Limit Life Changes. Too many changes at once can be stressful for children. Parents should try to avoid making too many major ‘life changes’ at the same time. For instance, if a move is imminent, parents should avoid altering their child’s nap schedule, changing their caregivers, or even start potty training. All of these changes in routine are disruptive under the best of circumstances. But when a move is thrown into the mix, they can all become too overwhelming and are best left until after the child is settled. 4. Familiarity. As much as possible, parents can help their children transition by keeping their new room as similar as possible to their old home. Can the furniture be set up in the same way? If for whatever reason this is not feasible, parents can engage their child’s help in choosing new furniture, new toys, new bedding, or a new color scheme. Again, their input will help get them excited and motivated for the move especially if they feel that their input is valuable. 5. Timing The Move. If it is realistic, I would also encourage all parents to move into their new move during a school break, ideally at the end of the academic year. For all children, but especially for older children (tweens and teens) summertime is a time of transition anyway…finishing one grade, and moving on to the next. Children are more adaptable to new situations, such as home and school settings, if they can be eased into them during times which are less disruptive to their regular routines. Moving does not have to be a complete nightmare. With proper notice and input from our children, moving could also be a time of excitement and empowerment for our children.
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I am seeing more and more couples in my practice struggle with infertility. Infertility is one of the first big life stressors that a couple has to contend with together.
Growing up, parents generally teach their children that perseverance is a key to attaining their goals. Unfortunately, for many couples struggling with infertility, perseverance is not the problem – especially for those with ‘unexplained’ infertility (infertility when there is no known physiological cause). Infertility is one of those life situations where the outcome can be completely out of a couple’s direct control. Also, until a couple starts trying to have a baby, there is often little or no warning that they are about to be immersed into a cycle of stress and procedures and the fear of the unknown. Couples facing this issue need coping mechanisms to help them through their journey. They need guidance on evaluating their options and assistance in making decisions that they could both comfortably live with. So, how do couples survive the news of infertility? Here are 3 essential tips for coping with infertility: 1. Couples must remain a united front. Couples come in to see me and very often they have very different perspectives on what the next steps should be. Should they proceed on with another IVF cycle? Should they proceed to egg donation? What is the right number of cycles to try before they can move on to the next logical step?The truth is, there is no one answer to this question. Every situation is different, and every couple and personality is different, as are financial circumstances. One of the first things I try to do is help couples figure out a way to get on the same page. It’s important to wait for your partner to catch up to you so that you can proceed to the next step in your journey as a united front. 2. Couples must realize that infertility is a family issue. Infertility is an individual issue, a couples’ issue and also a family issue. Infertility affects those going through it in ways that most people, on the surface, cannot understand or cannot even recognize. However, it also affects the ways in which you communicate with loved ones. Your body language, gestures, and unspoken messages convey information to your loved ones whether your realize it or not. This is especially true if your extended family members are not privy to the details of your struggle, or to the fact that there have been miscarriages or other failed medical treatments. Unfortunately, infertility has the ability to stress out both the couple struggling as well as their families. Without proper communication, couples risk that there will be collateral damage done to their familial relationships which will last a lot longer beyond the fertility struggle. I believe it is important to provide as much information as possible to extended family and friends, to make them aware that you are struggling without breaching your privacy or the privacy wishes of your partner. The truth is, you cannot fault others for behaving in a certain way or responding in a certain way if they do not have all the facts. 3. Seek Support. Couples need to be as candid as possible as to what type of support they need. Often your loved ones try to offer support but the support ends up hurting too much. Such as ‘if you just relax, it will happen’, or ‘sorry for your miscarriage, I guess the baby was not meant to be’. The truth is that couples already realize that the ‘baby is not meant to be’, but it feels dismissive when others say it. So couples need to be specific. Ask for what they need. And kindly suggest to others what they really do not need. Infertility needs to be recognized as a medical, emotional and potentially financial crisis. With the proper guidance and support, whether from friends, family members or counselors, there is hope that couples will be able to re-emerge on the other side. And whatever the outcome, they will be armed to deal with it. This summer has been a summer of firsts for my husband and me. Although we have been together for 22 years, and married for almost 17 of those, this is the first time in 12 years (note: our oldest daughter is 12) where we have finally managed to make us a priority again.
Now don’t misunderstand….Despite the fact that we have three children, we still do try, as best we can, to spend time together, go on ‘date-nights’, grab lunch during the week, or just plain hang out. But time is always limited or restricted and we always feel that we are on the clock with a babysitter. But this summer has been different. For the last month, two of my three children have been at sleepaway camp. This leaves us with one child to bathe, put to bed, and clean up after. Easy, easy, easy. There is no fighting or arguing and our role as mediators has been put on hold, at least temporarily. All of a sudden, we have found time to talk to each other. By 8:30 each evening, our responsibilities, for the most part, have been completed. On two occasions in the last month, first for an old friend’s wedding, and then for a good friend’s birthday party, we have really been able to let loose. We could relax and enjoy ourselves without worrying about getting up early the next morning to take someone to dance or another to play rehearsal. And we have been enjoying ourselves, immensely, sometimes doing a whole lot of nothing. And we do not feel guilty about it, not one bit. What have we learned with our kids at sleepaway camp? #1 – Life does get easier. Our biggest lesson learned this summer is that life does get easier as our children get older and start doing their own thing. Yes, small kids small problems, big kids, bigger problems…yada yada yada…we know all that. However, the mere logistics of caring for our children has changed immensely. These little people are now able to do so much for themselves. A time we thought would never come! There is no more being woken up to a tiny voice calling from the bathroom to be wiped, or for shoes to be tied or for hair to be brushed. All these details, which in themselves are not difficult or taxing, are no longer our responsibility. #2 – We actually still like each other. Given the amount of time we have been together, it is easy to take for granted the fact that we really can finish the other’s sentences, we know for the most part what the other is thinking, and we can appreciate each other’s wit and sense of humour. We have discovered that when we do go out, we still have what to talk about. And believe it or not, it is not always about our children (only some of the time). #3 – We still know how to have fun. We have not (yet) turned into those people who do not know how to let their hair down or who frown upon everything. We have discovered that given the opportunity, we know how to enjoy ourselves, each other and our friends. Perhaps when we first had children, for a while anyway, we lost sight of ourselves and our relationship with each other. We are all busy, and life gets in the way sometimes. It’s very easy to lose sight of what’s important when we feel we are too busy to nurture it. But I am happy to say that for us, anyway, our children being away this summer was a good reminder that we need to be more attentive to one another, spend more time with those we love, and not take for granted what we have. And that, given the right time and opportunity, we too, have been able to get our groove back. I was reading an article that a friend sent to me about a mother who felt so guilty for disciplining her daughter’s friend when she was over for a play date. She was tormenting herself for losing her patience, and giving this child a time-out for being rude and disruptive.
As I kept reading, I kept thinking to myself… “So what’s the problem? What’s the big deal here? Am I missing something?” I could not relate whatsoever to this mother who was being so hard on herself for parenting a child who was in her care, even for a short time. When it comes to child rearing, there are two basic points of view: #1- It takes a village to raise our children. Let’s face it, in today’s society, it is extremely difficult to raise children completely on your own. Not impossible, but more difficult. Besides, it feels good to help others who need it, and feels just as good to be helped when we feel we are at our breaking point. #2 – The second perspective, clearly my least favourite of the two, is the theory that it is no one’s business how we choose to raise a child. While I understand that everyone is entitled to their own standards, value systems, ethics and points of view, when a child’s behaviour begins to affect other people, especially people we care about, it most certainly does become other people’s business. Most people are able to recognize both the pros and cons to each perspective, and find a happy medium in terms of how they treat, discipline and nurture other people’s children for whom they are in charge. Keeping both these theories in mind, and in an attempt to find some common ground between them, when faced with the need to parent someone else’s child, I try to remind myself of the following: Things to Keep in Mind when Discipling other People’s Children: #1 – No matter what our perspective, we as parents have the right to make the rules in our own home. If our child’s friend tells us that certain behaviours are permitted in their home, we are allowed to tell them that that is their parents’ choice, but in our home we do things differently. We need to remain consistent in our choices, explain the rules clearly, and not feel the need to justify the rules to them. In other words, essentially treat them in the same manner as we would our own children. #2 – Little children on their own, without proper guidance, may sincerely not be able to find alternatives to their off-putting behaviour. It is our jobs as parents to not only discourage what is not allowed, but also to provide alternative, more appropriate behaviours that are more acceptable in our home. #3 – Speak to the parents of the little houseguest and inform them how the play date went. We must be honest with the parents, as we would expect in return, as we can be sure that the child will say something to them once they are alone. And we would most certainly want these parents to have our perspective. We are more likely to be supported by their parents if we are transparent from the get-go. #4 – Pick and choose our battles….And be able to let things just roll off….We might be more open to the children eating with their mouths open, but less tolerant of rude noises at the table or their lack of manners. Even in these instances, in order to avoid any unnecessary embarrassment, we can keep reminders to be polite directed toward everyone sitting at the table and not necessarily to one child in particular. As far as my husband and I are concerned, when we have our children’s friends in our home, they are, essentially on loan to us temporarily. This means it is our job to keep them safe, ensure they are happy, help them if they are sick or hurt, and similarly discipline them if they are acting out. Others are entrusting them to us, and we should treat them as we would our own. After all, is that not what we would want if the shoe was on the other foot? Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici at FreeDigitalPhotos.net I must admit that over the years, I have grown very fond of watching the Duggar family on TLC. I feel like I have watched many of their children grow up and I have quite enjoyed catching glimpses of them on their many worldwide adventures.
I admit that I too have been taken in by their seemingly calm and organised way of life. How is it that they get through a meal, let alone keep a clean home, home-school all of their kids, play musical instruments, and still have the time to travel the world? It kind of makes the rest of us run of the mill parents appear pretty inadequate. The thought of their schedule alone exhausts me. So it is not surprising that I too am shocked and have been rendered speechless by the family’s most recent sexual abuse headlines. Their eldest child, Josh, has admitted to molesting 4 of his sisters and a babysitter about 12 years ago. My purpose for writing today is not to report the news. Nor to be judged for having an opinion on what I read about this case. But rather, it is to start a conversation and perhaps raise awareness by asking the following question: “How would we respond if these were our children caught in the mix? Would we handle the same situation differently? With one child being the perpetrator of sexual abuse and others being the victims? For the sake of discussion, let’s review what was done when Josh initially reported his behaviour to his parents. His parents were in shock. Understandable. After all, such behaviour is inexcusable. They inquired into treatment for Josh. They sent him away from the family (for I believe 3 months). They informed all the victims that they were in fact, victims. They involved the police, and a full police investigation was conducted. Over the last 12 years, since this happened, at least from the family’s perspective, all has been forgiven. Trust is being re-earned. Over many years, the family has been able to piece itself back together. So why is the public still so infuriated? Is it never possible to move on from such victimization? Please do not misunderstand. I am not in any way suggesting that what Josh did was all right. Everyday in my practice, I see victims of abuse. Whether they have been sexually exploited, or physically or emotionally abused, or emotionally neglected….whatever the case may be. Abuse is never acceptable. And being the victim of abuse is definitely something that one must address in order to not let it overpower us or affect us for the rest of our lives. But….it is not impossible to overcome. What I hear regularly from my clients is that one of the biggest hindrances to being able to move forward, forgive and get on with their lives is when their perpetrators lack the willingness or the ability to take responsibility for their actions. Thereby leaving their victims to blame themselves for being victimised in the first place. Josh Duggar, from what I have read, seen and heard, is taking full responsibility for his behaviour. He knows it was wrong. He understands the effect on his victims. And he is not hiding from it or denying any part of it. So back to the question….If our children were involved, would we not want to try to handle everything to the best of our ability first? Are we profoundly better parents if we turn our own child into authorities right away? If these were my children, I admit I probably would be scared to death to do that. After all, would we not want to try to help our children, all of our children, as best we could and possibly successfully before we involved law enforcement? This is a tough question to answer. And I do not pretend to have all the right answers. As a therapist, I know the importance that counselling plays in forgiveness and being able to move on. Is that not what this family did? Did they not go through all the right avenues to help all of their children? So before we pass judgement on others, let’s consider for a moment how all of these factors would affect all of our children. We all have circumstances in our life that we wish to change. Whether it’s a relationship, a job, or someone else’s perspective.
At some point or another, we must face reality. The truth is, we cannot change others, or the ways in which they act. We cannot control how others respond. And we have to learn to stop expecting others to always react and handle a situation the way we would if we were in the same situation. Do we need to agree with everything everyone says, does or how they behave? Absolutely not. But our stress level significantly decreases when we learn to accept a situation instead of trying to change it. Having different perspectives does not make one perspective wrong. Or not laughing at someone’s joke does not suggest we do not have a sense of humour. We are all different, and what stimulates us or what turns us off simply makes us who we are, and further highlights the differences in our personalities. So learning to accept the differences in people, our perspectives, and our realities (whether we like them or not) is something we all have to do if we ever want to be at peace. In my private social work practice, I see many clients who come in with such high levels of stress, anxiety and frustration because they have expended so much emotional energy on trying to micromanage everything in their life, in the lives of their partners, children, etc… a task that is virtually impossible to keep up for any extended period of time. They have choices, which I help outline. They can choose to either continue to be frustrated and upset and try to change a situation which is virtually not in their control to change, or they could find a way to accept their new reality and learn to live with the situation so it does not slowly eat them up on the inside. By helping them learn to change their thought patterns, I am able to guide them toward accepting their reality. So what are some of the benefits of acceptance? Why bother changing our thought patterns and expectations? Benefits of Acceptance: 1. To decrease our stress levels. 2. To learn to let go of past fears and traumatic events. 3. To learn to love ourselves and others unconditionally (without feeling the need to change anything). 4. To reduce the frequency of our depressive moods. 5. To help improve our sleep habits and our quality of sleep. 6. To feel more in control of our life. 7. To increase our self worth and self confidence. So now that we know the benefits of acceptance, how can we begin to change our thought patterns and behaviours? Changing our Thought Patterns and Behaviours: #1 – We must learn to realize that we cannot control everything, or other people. On some level, we all know already know that we cannot control everything, however our behaviours are not always indicative of such. Wishing and praying for something to change will not necessarily make it happen. If we are able to come to terms with the fact that that on occasion, obstacles get in the way of our plans, and that we are far better off learning to accept that these things happen, rather than continue to be angry that our routine has been disrupted. #2 – We must take a look at our life, and acknowledge to ourselves what we are thankful for. We must become very aware of what we have. It is far easier to acknowledge and admit the thoughts and feelings that we have before we go about trying to change them. #3 – Everyone is good at something. We need to figure out what our forte is and be proud of what we can offer others. This skill allows us to gain perspective. By learning what we are good it, we are also learning to acknowledge, and admit, what we are not good at or what might need improvement. It’s even all right to laugh at our own incompetence. It sure beats crying over it. #4 – Through taking deep breaths, talking to someone you trust, and by practicing cognitive therapy, we can stop our obsessive thoughts and replace this ‘thinking’ with trying to do something productive. We can be much more productive in expressing ourselves if we take a moment to figure out what we want to say and how we want it to sound. Learning to be less reactive takes practice, and gives us the ability to stop and evaluate what we want to say before we proceed in saying it out loud. #5 – With help and support, we need to expose ourselves to our fears. Just like when we are learning any new skill, it is extremely scary to put ourselves out there, and make ourselves vulnerable. But how else do we conquer that which scares us if we don’t try? Or expose ourselves? Or practice these skills? Learning to ‘go with the flow’ works the same way. At first, we are all going to mess it up. But with patience, and practice, all will become easier, more familiar, and less scary. There is no such thing as perfection. It is perfectly acceptable for life to be very good. The sooner we can accept our own limitations and the limitations of our loved ones, the less stressed and more at peace we will be. I have noticed that, as my daughters are getting older, that they are becoming more a more conscious of the way their body looks…. This is totally natural, and I understand that. And I expect it. As they evolve through puberty, body image and how they look is of growing concern to them.
As a mom of three girls, I am ready, or I think I’m ready, for the many questions about breast size and changing body shape which will be coming my way, and the realization that as my girls’ bodies change, so will their attitudes and sense of self worth. Not all questions are created equal. Not all questions are straightforward with cut and dry answers. As a mom, some are more difficult to hear and even more difficult to answer. I struggle with questions such as the following, “Why do all the girls in my grade have a flat stomach except for me?” or “Why is it so hard for me to find bathing suits that I look good in?” Both good questions. What I want to yell out is, “I have no idea!” But, I cannot. Hence the dilemma of all mothers. As a mother, clearly it is hard to see our children suffer, be confused, but more so, question their own beauty as they compare themselves to their classmates and peers. So I tread very lightly when it comes to answering questions about body image. Children take what we say very seriously, and the last thing I want is to implant any negative thoughts about what our bodies are supposed to look like at any given age. So how would I answer these questions? Not without lots of thought, that is for sure. My husband and I try to focus on the concept of healthy bodies. Eating right. Exercising. We offer to help our children in these areas. We ask them if they are open to hearing about healthier snack options, and we make the connection for them between eating right, moving a lot, and healthier bodies and feeling good. We do not talk about weight, the number on the scale, or what size we are. One of my daughters said that she wanted to start running. She is extremely athletic to begin with, and we figured she would be a natural at it. She has started walking, on our treadmill, a couple of times per week. She feels good when she gets off. So the connection is made between exercise and feeling good. The potential effect of weight loss will be a natural consequence for her, but we do not focus on that as a goal. In addition to keeping active, we also attempt to teach the girls to make healthier food choices. We reiterate that treats are and should be considered a treat, not an entitlement. When they come home from school completely famished, their first instinct is to head for the cupboard and grab whatever they can get their hands on. Many years ago, our paediatrician said it right, “Children need to snack on real food, not snack food.” So when the kids come home, they are eating a boiled egg or a piece of cheese. Not cookies and sugar, which will only satisfy them temporarily with no real nutritional value. This is not to say that they do not get their chocolate fix or the occasional ice cream cone. Of course they do. They are kids. But we try to teach them eating such foods in moderation and learning how to fill up on the healthier foods which will keep them fuller, longer. Our goal, as parents, is to try and have them make the connection between the foods they eat, combined with the exercise they do, and how it makes them feel. Eventually, it is our hope that these choices will become second nature to them. And that exercise will become something they enjoy and seek out on their own. What are the chances? We can only hope. Image from American Girl: The Care and Keeping of You. So, I have been writing for Her Magazine for quite some time now. On average, my blogs are comprised of something social-work-related. I normally give some sort of advice. Such as tips on how to manage certain emotional struggles, or practical advice on how to get through a rough day. My blogs are usually based, for the most part, on issues that arise in my own home in combination with themes that I see at work either with my clients or through case supervision with my peers.
I find that writing about all these issues is a terrific outlet for me. Aside from being able to help many of my readers, I also personally find that writing about all these issues is a terrific outlet for me. It gives me a reality check and forces me to face certain dynamics in my own relationships, or figure out how to manage certain stresses in my life. But today’s blog is going to be a little bit different. It is not going to be advice, or suggestions or dos and don’ts. Today, I merely want to express myself and the tremendous pride and gratitude that I am feeling toward my three daughters. As some of you know, having my children was no easy task. My husband and I went through years of fertility treatments, uncertainty and many losses. At times, I still find it hard to believe how blessed I am, and I sometimes just catch myself staring at these little girls, whom I created, in pure awe and amazement. The last few weeks, for the most part, have run very smoothly in our home. Not an easy task. Despite the busyness of choir performances, after school activities, birthday parties, Bat Mitzvahs and lots of typical girl drama, my husband and I have a lot to be proud of. More than any other achievements, however, is my need to recognize how terrific my girls have been with one other. And although for the most part our lives are crazy and chaotic and full of sibling rivalry, there are, at times flickers of hope and hints that my children do actually like each other. They may, dare I say it, even love each other… It is as if something has all of a sudden clicked…Why is it they are being so nice to each other? Or loving? Or supportive? My children have not always got along. And don’t get me wrong, they still bicker plenty. But lately I have seen more maturity…a mutual dependence between all three of them. The older two are demonstrating more patience and understanding toward the younger one. My middle girl is more tolerant of her baby sister without feeling so hard done by. I cannot explain it, yet there are numerous times of late where I feel the house has run more smoothly because of the improved relationships between my children. Less jealousy? Perhaps. More support? Maybe. Just plain growing up? Thank God! Or am I just becoming more aware and tuning out the bad stuff? Probably a combination of all of the above. Whatever it is, it is working, and I could not be more proud. And knowing that the girls are not out to hurt each other at every waking moment is certainly a source of comfort to all of us. So is it true what they say? That life gets easier as we get older? That we spend less time doing for them, and we can start reaping the rewards of our years of hard work and hands-on-parenting? I look forward to seeing how our story, the story of my three daughters, continues to unfold. Thanks for listening. I needed this. Image: Three Sisters Print Inspirational Whimsical Folk Art by Lindy Longhurst. Over this past weekend, my husband and I did something that we have never done. While our youngest was at a birthday party, we let our two older kids take the bus to a restaurant, eat there on their own, and then bus it home. Alone. No parents. Wow.
While they kept in touch with us every step of the way via their cell phone, we felt such a sense of pride and fear all wrapped into one. When did they get so grown up? What possessed us to allow such behaviour? True….the weather was beautiful and seemingly the whole neighbourhood was outside. The sun was shining. People were generally happy and smiling and relieved that the winter might actually have come to an end….Or maybe it was because we have seen such tremendous growth and maturity in our kids over the last several months that we were just ready to let go of those apron strings and give them more independence. Now just to be clear, my older two children are two years apart. And for many years they fought like cats and dogs. They still do bicker all the time. But when they approached us requesting to go on this adventure, there was a calm and sense of unity about them. They listened to our instructions intently and seriously. They knew this was a big deal, for us as well as for them. And my husband and I intuitively knew that they would be just fine. So instead of getting the tantrum like demand such as “We can do this on our own!” or “Stop treating us like a little kids,” we got a well thought out, polite request from our children to consider allowing them to leave and share this adventure with each other. Some true sister-bonding time. So how can parents assess whether their children are ready to take on more adult responsibilities? And to move them more from dependence to independence? Is it intuitive, as suggested, or does it need to be more planned out? Probably a combination of both… How to Give Your Child More Independence: #1 – For the most part, most kids step up really well when given responsibility. By gradually increasing the level of responsibility that we give them, even before we think that they are ready, we are embedding in them feelings of confidence and trust that they are up for the task. #2 – Our kids need the space to decide some things on their own, even if it means parents need to take a step back and allow their children to arrive at these decisions in their own time. This includes watching as our children do some things wrong and make some poor choices along the way. Our children will fare a lot better if they feel they are in control of their decisions. Parents can suggest ideas over and over to their children, but if our children feel the ideas are their own, they are more likely to follow through on them. #3 – As hard as it is, and from experience, it can be brutal, we as parents need to ensure that we do not continually force our opinions on our children. As much as we would love for others, particularly our children, to respond and react in any given situation the way we would in the same situation, we cannot force it. We need to teach our children values and encourage them to stick to their value system when they make decisions. #4 – Parents need to pick and choose their battles with their children. Particularly in the tween/teen years, there will be many battles. We need to learn how to zoom in and focus on the real important ones. And we must recognize that sometimes the important battles are those that are important to our children and not necessarily to us. Our children need the freedom to express themselves in their own way. So do I make a big deal if my daughters go to school with two different socks or a streak in their hair? Not at all. As long as they are dressed for the weather and are not showing too much skin, I frankly do not care how they dress. If they have dressed themselves independently and without incident, I consider that morning a success. So I suppose from a parenting perspective, this weekend was a success. As we are confident that there will be many more weekends like the one that just past, we are just as sure that there will be as many parenting moments which will flop. One of the primary responsibilities that we have as parents is to teach and train our children to be successful adults, as the motto goes….one day at a time. As my children get older, they are beginning to ask more about the cost of things. They are interested in the latest fashions and trends. They want what their friends have, and are not shy to ask for it.
With my eldest daughter in middle school, she is becoming more and more aware of what other girls her age are wearing. Brand-named clothes. Certain ways to wear her clothes. To be clear, my husband and I have never felt the need to buy certain brands for the sake of just having them. We have always talked with our kids about shopping smart, and looking for good quality instead of the name on the tag. We are always comparing prices in the grocery store, or figuring out whether sales are in fact good deals. And figuring out how best to spend our money. Experts agree that teaching kids about money and the value of the dollar needs to begin at a very early age. As early as we start to teach our children their manners. Children as young as four years old can be taught the concept of saving. Slightly older children can witness us paying the bills, calculating what something is going to cost whether at a grocery store or a restaurant, and discuss with our partners (in simplistic terms for the sake of our children’s understanding) how the money earned that month is going to get divided. It is imperative that as our children grow, they learn to understand the financial impact of our economy and understand that saving for a rainy day is a necessity, not a choice. If parents do not talk to their children about money, someone else will. It is inevitable that our children are going to learn about money and spending. Just like they will discuss sex and school and their hobbies with their friends, they are also likely to discuss, compare and learn the value of the dollar from their friends. Ideally, wouldn’t most parents prefer this learning to come from them? So what are parents supposed to do? Where, if at all, should they draw the line when it comes to discussing money matters with their children? Is it appropriate for our children to know what our hourly rate is at work in order to gain an accurate understanding of how much we need to work to be able to afford the clothes they wear or the food we put for them on the table? There are no right answers to these questions. But the following list can help guide us in how me talk to our children about money matters. Dos and Don’ts for Teaching Kids about Money:
Talking about money is not easy for parents to do. It is a touchy subject, which needs to be handled with sensitivity. Regardless, I am a true believer in being honest with our children. Children are smart. They understand a lot of what is going on around them and they absorb information that they hear. As long as we, as parents, continue to communicate with them, guide them and ensure they are being taught at their own developmental level, our children will grow up feeling respected and understood and develop a proper understanding of how money gets earned and how money should be spent. And if they do not, they could always ask. Image courtesy of kongsky at FreeDigitalPhotos.net |
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October 2016
About SariWelcome to my Blog page! Categories |