I remember when I was first pregnant. The first time around. We had been trying for about 4 years, and getting pregnant was not an easy road. I found out on Labour Day 2001. I was already about 8 weeks along. Although my husband and I had been trying for some time, I really never expected it to happen. After all, month after month we kept having a negative outcome.

I was beside myself with happiness, yet always cautiously optimistic. Right from the start, there were complications. Here we go. I knew it was too good to be true. Bleeding and cramping. Was it a clot or implantation? Was my beta level not doubling like it should? Who knew? Each visit to the doctor revealed a strong heart beat with no signs of fetal distress. That baby was hanging on….at least until one night in October , in my 15thweek, when I went with my mother to see CATS. I missed almost the whole show as I keeled over in pain in the washroom. I was having a miscarriage.

By later that night I was in the Emergency Room scheduling a D and C for the next day. And that was that.

Talk about the carrot being dangled in front of our nose. After all, I was past the first trimester…things like this are not supposed to happen after twelve weeks, right? I had already told EVERYBODY. My work colleagues knew. I was wearing maternity clothes and never in my life was I so happy to be gaining weight.

That glee was short lived, however, and I had to come to terms with the fact that we were not going to meet this baby as scheduled in April 2002. And so we were back to the drawing board. 

My dreams were shattered. All around me were friends and colleagues who were announcing their news. This one got pregnant on their honeymoon. Or that one forgot to use birth control one night when she and her husband decided to finish a bottle of wine while ‘cuddling’ on their couch.

Was I jealous? No. I was envious. I wanted to be those people. I wanted it to be easy for us just liked it seemed to be for everyone else.

Unfortunately, this scenario is all too common. Our experience with getting pregnant was the same as for so many other couples out there. And I see it more and more in practice every day. Women come in and in addition to dealing with losses or miscarriages or the inability to conceive, they are have to explain why they are not pregnant to family members and friends who ask them incessantly why they still do not have any kids. The amount of pressure that is put on women to get pregnant, stay pregnant, and deliver full term healthy children is astounding. 

Similarly, for many women, including myself some 13 years ago, this pressure is insurmountable and for many the beginning of a long road of anxiety and depression.

Why is it that our very personal business is suddenly everyone else’s?

Managing the Expectations of Friends and Loved Ones:

1. Along with our partner, we must decide together how much detail of our very private life, we are prepared to reveal to the outside world. We must respect each other’s boundaries and be aligned in how much we disclose to others.
2. If we choose to disclose the details of our personal life, we need to make sure the conversation is not rushed and one that allows for our friends and loved ones to really hear what we are saying, and have the ability to ask certain questions. The more facts they know, the less they will speculate.
3. We must not be ashamed or embarrassed to show our emotions. This is a hard thing for many people to do. We always feel like we need to keep it together. This is highly unrealistic. The fertility journey is highly emotional and difficult, and many would describe it as the most difficult time in their life.
4. We must be open with our loved ones on how much or how often we want support. We must be blatant in how we view that support, even if it is not congruent with how they feel they want to support us. Even if this means avoiding the next family get together, or not going to a cousin’s baby shower. In the grand scheme of things, these are small gestures which can help us get through this rough time in our lives. What we can request from friends and loved ones is true understanding and support in our decisions even if they do not agree with them.

The fertility journey for many is a time of high anxiety, stress, and a boatload of pressure. When things do not go as planned, it becomes easy to lose sight of what really matters. We must rely on friends and loved ones. We must confide in those we trust. Most important, we must never lose faith.

When our children were little, the family schedule was easy to plan. Weekends were reserved for day trips and long get-togethers with friends and their families. We never really thought about who the children would play with. After all, when kids are little, they like to play with other little kids regardless of gender. And even if the children were not friends, per se, they would play together while their parents schmoozed and laughed and had the opportunity to catch up. Their interactions were usually limited to the type of game they were playing.

And, we could all spend hours together. We co-parented each other’s children while we too had the opportunity to pool a meal and just have a good time.

Back then, weekends were uncomplicated and fun. Often spontaneous as well. 
In addition to choosing our children’s friends, we also chose their activities, or extra curricular programs. The never-ending baby groups, dance and music classes and swimming were all staples in my house, for all three of my children for as long as I can remember.

That is, until, my children started to grow up. Over time, the interests of my children began to evolve. They began having opinions about how they wanted to spend their free time and with whom they chose to spend it. The nerve! And, how dare they contradict the opinions and convenience of their parents?

Suddenly, their friendships became more deliberate, and their interests not only different from what we as parents had in mind, but from each other as well. They all want to try a little of this and a little of that. All fabulous in terms of exposing themselves to new interests and putting themselves out there, but definitely more difficult for parents to easily manage the family schedule.

Times like these become exceptionally complicated for parents. In our situation, three children, three different ages and stages. And, for the most part, they all like different activities and sports and there is virtually no overlap between them.

So, how do parents cope with complicated family schedules and diverse interests?
How can parents spread themselves to be able to promote the emerging interests of their children without completely drowning themselves?

Practical and Helpful Tips to Managing the Family Schedule:

1. Register your children in programs that are close to home. This way snowstorms and traffic do not become an added source of stress.
2. Ensure the timing/days of the program do not coincide with already established activities. Be careful not to overload your children. Be just as careful not to overload yourselves.
3. Try to plan activities that are in close proximity to one another. For instance, if one child wants dance, and the other karate, and you know the two are near each other, register them both on the same day. This way you can kill two birds with one stone and stay organized.
4. As often as possible, set up carpools for transportation and supervision. Get to know who is in your child’s program. If they live close by, set up a schedule. The more people involved, the less pressure to do it all the time.
5. Do not get overwhelmed. Missing a class here or there due to illness or too much homework is not going to matter in the grand scheme of things. After all, it is only recreational and not worth the stress. We often put so much pressure on ourselves to get it right 100% of the time that we forget that all this is supposed to be fun.

In times of conflicting schedules, my husband and I try to divide and conquer. We are often like two ships passing in the night. Our weekdays are planned ahead of time. If I am working late, for instance, then my husband is on after-school duty, whatever that looks like. Including carpool and dinners and drives here and there. As well as supervising homework and bath-time and ensuring lunches are made and homework is completed.

On weekends, we take turns alternating between each child. God forbid one child feels like mommy or daddy is spending too much time with the others, etc. We try to balance.  In between all the rest of it, we attempt to get the regular household chores done. Often these tasks fall to the bottom of the list and end up getting done when our children are in bed.
​
We try to remember that our schedules are unpredictable and so are our children.
But, most importantly, we try to remember that our schedules are unpredictable and so are our children. Through it all, although difficult, we try to let things roll off. We just do our best. Life gets in the way, and throws us curveballs sometimes. If we can get through the day, and everyone has survived, then we count ourselves lucky and move on.