Catching a Friend in a Lie: Confront or Ignore?

So I am sure we have all been there at some point in our lives. We have caught a friend and/ or a family member telling us half-truths or leaving out details of a story that might hurt us. We don’t just suspect we have been lied to, but rather we know it as a fact. We all would like to believe that behind the lying, the intentions were good ones.

But what happens in a situation when you catch someone you have known a long time deliberately lying to you? Not by omitting details, and not to spare your feelings…but for reasons you do not understand. You know this person well. Their ins and outs. You go way back with them. Do you confront? Or do you let it go?

I don’t usually get personal in my blogs but this issue has been on my mind for the last month or so. As I did catch a friend lying to me, I thought I would reach out to others to help me figure out how best to handle it. I put the question out on Facebook: Do you confront the person or ignore and move on? What I got was a myriad of responses.

I was urged to consider all of the following:

What was the possible motivation for the behavior? Unsure. And I will not waste my time speculating.

Was it to spare my feelings? Not likely.

Was it a lie by omission? No.

Was it a lie to cover anything up? Possibly. Again, I am not going to pretend I was in this person’s head.

The truth is, being lied to is a huge pet peeve of mine.

Some of you might be more tolerant or look for motivations. But for better or for worse, I wear my heart on my sleeve. I say what is on my mind. And I take very seriously that which is said to me. And so when I hear that I have been lied to, I do not take it well.

If someone has something to say, then please, just say it. Passive aggression is not becoming. I see it as deceptive, no matter what the motivation. Especially coming from someone I have known for more than half my life.

According to research (and the amount of research in this area is astounding!), the following are the most common reasons people lie. They are not listed in any particular order:

 REASONS PEOPLE LIE:

1. They are addicted to lying. They are so used to it, they do not even realize that they are doing it. Often these people are also dealing with some other mental health disorder.
2. It is a compulsion. These people lie to protect themselves, or look good in the eyes of others.
3. To avoid criticism. People who lie for this reason do so because they have low self-esteem, and for whatever reason they lie so as to present as being someone they are not.
4. Afraid of what others really think of them. Those who lie for this reason are uneasy about others knowing their true feelings.
5. To save face. These people lie to avoid having to deal with reality, and to get them out of sticky situations. This type of lying is for personal gain alone.
6. To ensure the well being of another. Although it is still a lie, at least the motivation to help another is there and the intention to tell it is a positive one.
7. To avoid having to deal with the reality of a situation. Also known as a white lie. These types of lies are over-used for those who just don’t want to deal with what is really going on.
8. To avoid social conflicts. Pretty self-explanatory. In the case of a friendship, is this what we want a friendship to be based on?

My life is too full for this high school drama. My life is too busy to convince anyone to be a part of it. And I prefer to surround myself with those who want to be a part of it, not those who need to be convinced to do so.